1. SHEATH bride:

Sheaths appear smooth-talking, thoughtful and innocuous at first, but turn high-maintenance when the pressure is on. Sheaths often have very involved parents with money. Sheaths wear straight, tasteful gowns and put gardenias in their hair. They have those little net-type veils that are trying to be chic and traditional without saying “I’m wearing a veil.” But they’re wearing a veil. They met their husband in grad school.

 2. A-LINE bride:

What you see is what you get. A-lines don’t try too hard or think their wedding is the one moment in life to show what their very essence is about. They allow the bridesmaids to dress themselves, and get married in someone’s backyard, at a camp, or in Vermont.

 3. COCKTAIL bride:

Hey, I’m a cocktail bride, I’m doing things a little differently than normal! We might only have appetizers at my wedding! I might wear black! I have a pug and he is my groomsman.

 4. PRINCESS bride:

Fussy, naïve. Not a particularly refined sense of style or design. Glitter spray, over-whip-creamed getaway car, impractical cheap heels. No backup dancing slippers. Princess couples favor a hotel venue and always have matching bridesmaids and drunk, red-faced groomsmen, usually a lot of them. NCAA basketball fans. Groom’s cake more often than not takes the shape of a State School mascot. Michigan/Wisconsin/Chapel Hill.

 5. MERMAID:

Aggressively stylized. Confusing choices are made, generally in the form of a Country Club venue and a black shirt for the groom.  Naturally, a mermaid style dress for the bride. This in itself takes a tremendous level of self-regard and bravery about one’s bottom.